Trump’s Phone Call with Jesus

“Hello, Donald.”

“Who is this?”

“You called Me, Donald.”

“I did? Are you the President of somewhere?”

“You could say that, but My kingdom is not of this world. Anyway, it was something about Arnold Schwarzenegger and TV ratings?”

“Huh? Oh, it’s You! It’s great to hear from You. Really, You’re a very, very important person to me. Hey, listen, why don’t You come over sometime? I’d love to have You visit the White House, or maybe spend a weekend at Mar-a-Lago…”

“Would they let Me into the country, Donald? Remember, I was once a refugee in Egypt.”

“No problem. Egypt isn’t on the list. I’m doing a deal in Egypt with a very, very, very amazing man, a great, great developer from the Middle East, a friend of mine, great guy…”

“Donald, there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you. You’ve managed to convince most of the evangelicals in America that you’re their guy, but…do you really believe in Me?”

“Of course! I’m an evangelical, I’m a Christian, I’m a Presbyterian. I drink my little wine and have my little cracker. My mother gave me a Bible many years ago, and she wrote my name and address, and it’s very special to me. Nothing beats the Bible, not even The Art of the Deal.”

“What’s your favorite verse from it?”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to get into it, because to me, that’s very personal. The Bible means a lot to me, but I don’t want to get into specifics.”

“How about the one that goes, ‘Sell everything you have and give the money to the poor, then come, follow me’? If I came back right now and asked you to do that, would you?”

“Selling the entire Trump Organization isn’t even feasible. I could run the Trump Organization, great, great company, and I could run the country, I could actually run my business and run government at the same time.”

“See, this is what I meant with the whole camel-through-the-needle’s-eye thing. No one can serve two masters. You can’t serve both your business and the people, and you can’t serve both God and money. Whoever wants to be My disciple must deny himself, take up his cross and follow Me. Do you know what that means? Have you ever made any sacrifices?”

“I think I’ve made a lot of sacrifices. I work very, very hard. I’ve created thousands of jobs, tens of thousands…”

“Have you ever read the parable where the King says, ‘Depart from Me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels, for I was sick, and you did not take care of Me’?”

“Obamacare is a disaster. It’s a horror show. If we didn’t repeal it, it’d explode like you’ve never seen an explosion. I like the concept of health care savings accounts, I think it’s great…”

“‘I was a stranger, and you did not welcome Me…’”

“Our country needs strong borders and extreme vetting. I won’t let the next Bowling Green Massacre happen on my watch.”

“Donald, are you really serious about being a Christian?”

“I’m proud to be a Christian! This has been by far the worst call today, even worse than the Australian prime minister. It’s disgraceful for a religious leader to question a person’s faith! Who the hell are You to question my Christianity?”


“You’re a savior because You were crucified. I like saviors who weren’t crucified, okay?”

“It had to happen that way, to proclaim to the world the Good News that whoever believes in Me will not perish, but have everlasting…”

“Good News? Fake news, more like. Thanks, J.C., for doing such a terrific job! You’ll go down as the worst savior in history. We need a new savior, one who’s the real deal: Me! (Hey, if You can spell ‘Me’ with a capital letter, I can too!) The world’s a mess, but I’m going to straighten it out. That’s what I do. I fix things. From this day forward, it’s going to be only Christendom First! And I’m going to make Christendom great again!”


“I have only one thing to say to you, J.C.”

“Donald, please…”

“You’re fired!”

This is a work of alternative fact, but Trump’s words are based as closely as possible on actual speeches and interviews. According to anonymous sources, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) later convened his own prayer breakfast to implore forgiveness.


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