“My son, what are you doing here?”

“Huh? Oh, my God! I mean…my Lord! I mean…wow, I never expected to see you here!”

“To be honest, my son, I was just about to say the same thing about you.”

“Hey, Lord, I’m really glad I ran into you. Can I ask you a question? Which one of these would you suggest? Wow, this is so awesome! How many people can say their gun was recommended by Jesus himself? Hey, after I’ve paid for it, do you think you could maybe bless it for me?”

“My son, I can only assume from that cross around your neck that you believe in me. But the cross represents the giving of your own life to save others. These guns represent the taking of others’ lives to save your own. What harmony can there be between them?”

“What are you saying, Lord?”

“What I’ve always said. My kingdom is not of this world, and my disciples do not wage war as the world does. What do you want with a weapon of this world?”

“Well, to protect myself and my family, of course!”

“From whom?”

“Oh, you know! Criminals, terrorists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, black people, agents of the tyrannical government, George Soros…”

“In other words, to protect those you love against those you hate and fear. That’s what the world teaches you: love your family and friends, hate your enemies. But what have I taught you? If you love only those who love you, what are you doing more than others? Love your enemies. Whoever hates his neighbor and claims to love God is a liar. Whoever fears his neighbor is not yet perfect in love, because perfect love casts out fear.”

“Seriously, Lord? If an armed burglar breaks into my house, I should just let him kill me?”

“Do not fear those who can kill the body but then can do nothing more. It’s danger to the soul that you should fear. How many times have you heard me say, ‘Whoever tries to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it’?”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing! Lord, weren’t your disciples armed? Didn’t you tell them yourself, ‘Whoever has no sword must sell his cloak and buy one’?”

“If you read on, you’ll see that was to fulfill what was written in Isaiah: ‘He was counted among the outlaws.’ Back then, swords were outlawed, so only outlaws had swords.”

“You mean you didn’t want them to be used for defense? Only as…props for prophecy?”

“If it was defense I wanted, I had only to say the word and an army of angels would have come to my rescue. But remember what I said to Simon Peter instead? ‘All those who take the sword will die by the sword.’ ”

“Enough! Stop! No more of this!”

“Well, yes, I said that too.”

“Look, Lord, no disrespect. All of this is lovely philosophy, but I have a family I need to defend. And the Second Amendment says…”

“If I were you, I’d be less concerned with the Second Amendment than the Second Commandment.”

“Did you just call me an idolater? Lord, I’m a good Christian! I go to church, I pray every day…”

“Yes, I’ve heard your prayers. ‘Your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.’ Do you really mean that? Do you really want to see my Father’s Kingdom established on earth?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Even though you know it will be a gun-free zone?”

“WHAT?!”

“Why are you so surprised, my son? If you’ve read your Bible, you know my Father’s arms control policy. ‘Bow and sword and battle I will abolish from the land, so that all may lie down in safety.’ ‘They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore.’ ‘Every warrior’s boot used in battle, and every garment rolled in blood, will be fuel for the fire, for to us a child is born, and he will be called Prince of Peace’…My son, what’s wrong? You look so pale! Are you feeling sick? Would you like me to heal you?”

“Does this mean…I can’t take my gun to heaven?”

“You must be joking! Of course there are no weapons in heaven! Even animals will no longer need their natural weaponry. ‘The wolf will live with the lamb, and the leopard will lie down with the goat. The cow will feed with the bear, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain…’ My son? My son, where are you going?”

“To find someone else to believe in!”